What I Hold Dear Now (by James Leland Ludeau III from Lafayette, LA)

this is in no way a rant. it's just a testament that time changes people. i used to be so amused to be in a bar beneath the lights and the disco ball full of designer drugs. covered in designer clothes. i thought that it was what i was supposed to do. as a gay man. i was supposed to be fabulous. have a tan. blond hair. be skinny. no one taught me to nurture the inside. all emphasis was on the outside. and now i know it's not in the presentation at all. it's the intention that counts. what i hold dear now is my core. my center. my quiet time. peace. revelations. no longer a slave to that rat race. not going to try to look 25 when i'm really 41. not going to inject my face with fillers and toxins just so YOU think i look good. i apologize in advance for not being able to cheat time. but i'm busy over here with other work. i've been called to care for the sick. i've been called to be a student of the spirit. see, i look at the sky. the ocean. the mountains. and i feel full. fulfilled. in a way that i never was before. i was vapid. only concerned with others' opinions. fake. false. a facade. that crumbled a year ago for me when i shot a neuro toxin into my forehead to chase wrinkles away and experienced a systemic reaction to that. it was awful. i was humbled. i faced the fact that vanity might kill me. i was scared shitless. i ended up in the ER a few times. i lost sensation at time to my limbs. then i had pain that you wouldn't believe. i faced what i'd done to myself. i questioned my beliefs. and i changed. i became unafraid to change. NO FEAR was my new mantra. i don't care on the shell anymore. i want my legacy to be inspiration and love. i want to leave art behind. i realize that i'll expire like everyone else does. i accept it. i've made my peace with that. i'm not 25. i'm 41. and if you don't like it, just wait.....yours is coming too......